Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Letting Go--Our Schooling Journey--Part 2

I used to be a helicopter mom.  While I let my kids play outside by themselves, I had to check on them every few minutes.  If I couldn't see them, I worried.  I made them stop if they were doing something that would get them dirty, wet, or could maybe hurt them.  If I heard yelling, I immediately stepped in to fix the situation rather than making them deal with it on their own.  I would only let them go within sight of the house in the woods behind our house.

I knew that I was parenting out of fear--fear that they would get hurt, kidnapped, lost in the woods, messy, etc.  I knew that parenting out of fear wasn't a good thing to do.  Yet I just could not let go.  I had to be in control of where they were, what they were doing, at all times.

This past fall I was at a women's retreat.  I was having a personal prayer time and I felt God telling me that I needed to let go.  I needed to release my children into His hands and to stop hoovering.  I told Him that I would.  I prayed that I would.  Then I went home and kept on holding on.

I shared yesterday about our schooling journey and how we came to be homeschooling.  What I left out is the part that had to do with me.  I spent the entire fall clinging to my children.  Yes, they were physically going to school, but I could not accept it.  I fought it every step of the way.  Outwardly, I had released my children to the public school system, but inside me I was not even close to truly letting them go.

I thought I had it under control.  I prayed daily that I would get over it.  I SAID that I was.  The first week of December, I had a really bad day.  I was trying to do dishes.  Lizzy was whining and acting like a terror.  David was in a complete panic about a homework assignment.  This was now a daily occurrence in my household since school started, but this day I had just had enough.  I threw the dish in my hand down and yelled "I'm done!"  I walked away and shut myself in my room.  Hubby was in there reading a book (hiding from me more likely) and asked if I was okay.  I couldn't breathe.  I was trying to, but I could. not. breathe.  I was on my knees bent over gasping for breathe.  And then the flood broke open and I cried like I have never in my entire life cried before.

The next day Hubby asked me how I was doing (I think he was worried about me) and it led to a long discussion.  At one point Hubby felt God speaking to him to tell me that I need to trust God and that only after I learn to really trust Him will He give me the sign I need.  That He really loves me a lot.  While I have been a Christian all my life, I have never experienced God speaking directly to me like that.  To say I was moved is an understatement.

I set out to trust God for real this time.  I was a girl on a mission to trust God because I desperately wanted to get myself out of this situation.  I was miserable, I was making my family miserable.  If the only way out was to release my children into His hands, then I was going to do it and fast.  I didn't even care what the outcome was--if they stayed in school, if we brought them back home.  I just needed peace in my spirit (my sign).

I got my sign the moment Hubby agreed we should pull the kids out of school.  Something in me released and I was instantly, completely at peace.  I had learned to trust God, really trust God.  Even if His will was the exact opposite of my will.  Hubby says that I am like a new woman.  I feel like a new woman.  I learned how to let go.

1 comment: