I wear ear plugs to sleep because it helps me shut out all those pesky little (and not so little) noises that wake me up in the middle of the night. The thing about ear plugs is that they also make it so you can hear your heart beat really, really well.
Sometimes it's comforting to know--yup, there's my heart, still beating just as it should. Sometimes it's annoying. There's my heart, beating away super loud, another little pesky noise that is making it hard for me to focus on sleeping. (And yes, I will admit right up front that I could give The Princess and the Pea a run for her money when it comes to needing things to be just right in order to be able to sleep.)
Sometimes hearing my heart beat isn't so comforting--like last night. When my heart was going thump, thump, thump, thuuuuuuuuump, BOOM. Over and over. What??? That's not right! What the heck is this thuuuuuuump BOOM??? There I laid in bed, wondering what was up with my heart and why it wasn't beating right.
As I'm laying there wondering if this was normal, weird, harmless or dangerous, the What Ifs started flitting through my brain. What if it's a sign of a heart attack? What if I die in my sleep? (I am a mostly recovered hypochondriac, but only mostly.) What would happen to my family?
What about my kids? After having not only a stay at home mom their whole lives, but a homeschooling SAHM, after years of being with me almost all the time, will my kids turn into maladjusted, angry children who are super rebellious and act out because they no longer have a mom?
What will happen to Joy who begs me not to leave the house when I have a night meeting and tells me that if I leave, her heart will break? Who will snuggle with her on the couch and let her beep their nose over and over because she thinks it's funny? Who will watch when she wants an audience to see her dance?
Who will take the time to listen to Lizzy spin her long tales about princesses and unicorns and playing in rainbows? Who will ooh and ahh over her many, many drawings and say that they're wonderful and that she did a good job coloring in the lines and chose really pretty colors? Who will tell her that yes, she looks beautiful wearing every piece of jewelry and hair bow that she owns because she wants to look stylish for a party?
What about David? Who will listen to him when he goes on and on about the latest thing that catches his interest? Who will take the time to pick out quality reading material for him to keep up with his voracious reading habit? Who will give him hugs and kisses even though he wipes them off? Who will chase him down the hall and tackle and tickle him when he's being a stinker and needs a good laugh to get over his bad attitude? Who will write him fart stories that make him laugh so hard he almost falls out of his bunk when he's at camp next summer?
And what about their school? I need to make Hubby promise that he won't send the kids to public school if I die and the kids can no longer be homeschooled. He has to use my life insurance money and send them to the Christian private school that Hubby and I went to. The kids would already be super upset; they need to be in a place where the teachers and kids will be nice to them and will pray for them when they're struggling.
Obviously I woke up this morning completely not dead. I did check the internet to see what could have caused this weird heart beat, and if it's what I think it is, it's almost positively normal and harmless. But the thoughts of last night are now stuck in my head. Or more specifically, all of the thoughts that I didn't have.
I didn't worry about my house. My money. The election results. The economy. Not once did I worry about anything that didn't include my kids or my husband (other than wondering if Hubby would know enough to look on my desk to find our unpaid utility and credit card bills).
My house could burn down, and as long as my family is safe, oh well. Houses can be replaced. We could lose all of our money and be penniless, but as long as my family is safe, we'll be okay (we'll just mooch off our parents for a while). Every single political candidate that I didn't vote for could have won and go on to make only laws that I disagree with, and yet that also doesn't matter. When it comes right down to it nothing, nothing except my family, my relationships with others, and my relationship with Jesus truly matters. All the rest will just fade away like dust.
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