Thursday, May 5, 2016

God In The Midst Of The C-Word

I went to the gym one day in March.  My dad walked in and got on the machine next to me.  Where's Mom, I asked.  She's at the doctor.  She found a lump, he said.  And that is when my life flipped upside down.  The C-word suddenly entered our family vocabulary.  Biopsy, surgery, CAT scan, bone scan, chemo, radiation, all these words that I now have become all too familiar with.

My trust in the Lord has been tested.  Daily.  Lord, what are You doing?  Why MY mom?  She does so much for You.  It doesn't make sense. 

Many tears have been shed.  The day we found out that it was cancer, it was right as I was putting dinner on the table.  I had to walk away and cry in my bedroom so I wouldn't scare the kids.  And sweet Joy came into the room and laid down on the bed next to me, put her arm around me, and said It will be okay, Mommy.  Because she is the sweetest child in the world with a heart of gold.  The day we found out chemo would be necessary, I stood at the stove stirring dinner, holding it together until my Hubby walked in the door from work.  I ran into his arms and broke down.

My faith has grown.  I know my mom will be alright.  I know that this is just a trial that she will walk through and conquer.  In the end, God wins.

God's path for me now makes sense.  This past summer when I felt led to work with college kids instead of going to nursing school, now I know why.  At the time there was no reason for it, but now I see that my being in nursing school would have been a big hindrance for me being able to help my mom as she needs me.  I would have been torn and probably would have quit taking classes after this semester.

And this being the year that we chose to stop homeschooling and to put the kids in school, that also makes sense now.  I would not have had the capacity to teach my kids the past 2 months.  I will not have the time or the capacity to teach my kids next year.  Lizzy asked to be homeschooled next year and we prayed about it, but ultimately decided that I just can't.  I will be needed by my family and so the best place for Lizzy is in school.  It may not be forever, but it is the way things will need to be for another year.  God knew what was coming.  The kids transitioning to school was a really hard adjustment for everyone.  We didn't really get into the flow of things until about 3 months into the school year.  But we were able to struggle through together because there wasn't much else going on in our lives that made it harder.  If we had to go through this transition next fall, with everything else that is going on, the adjustment would have been a lot harder.  Which is why the kids needed to goto school this year.  And God knew that and prepared the way.

I don't like this storm my family is going through, but the grace and the peace and the victories and the blessings are many.  There is a lot of good that is coming out of the blech already and we are just in the beginning of this journey.  I may not like the storm, but I know that Jesus is in the boat with us so we will all be safe.

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